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The Art of Calling Out Room Dynamics 21 November 2024 9 min read mindset, leadership, coaching Let’s face it some meetings suck. And the higher up you climb in your career, the more you realize that even fancy executivelevel meetings can devolve into absolute shshows. I’ve sat through more painful, awkward, tense meetings than I care to count. You know the ones — where egos clash, agendas collide, and you can practically feel the frustration radiating off people in waves. Where afterward, you want to down a stiff drink or three just to recover from the emotional whiplash. But over the years, I’ve discovered a secret weapon for defusing those powder keg situations. A simple technique that can instantly reset the entire dynamic of a meeting gone off the rails. I’m talking about the art of naming what’s happening in the room. It sounds deceptively simple. But wielded skillfully, it’s like having a conversational superpower. One that can transform you from a helpless bystander into the person who gets things back on track when everything’s falling apart. Let me break it down for you. The Anatomy of a Meeting Meltdown Picture this You’re in a highstakes product roadmap meeting. The room is a pressure cooker of competing priorities and barely concealed tension. Engineering wants more time for tech debt. Product is pushing for ambitious new features. Sales is clamoring for that one big enterprise client’s pet request. And leadership keeps bringing up hitting next quarter’s numbers. What typically happens The Laundry List of Grievances Everyone takes turns stating their case. Listing out all the reasons why their priority is The Most Important Thing Ever. Selective Hearing As others speak, instead of listening, people are mentally rehearsing their counterarguments. Frustration Builds The more people talk past each other, the more irritated everyone becomes. Body language gets defensive. Tone gets snippy. Assumptions Run Wild In the absence of clear communication, people start ascribing motives. “Engineering just doesn’t care about growth” “Product is trying to empire build” Emotional Amplification As the perceived stakes get higher, so do the emotional responses. Fear, anger, and anxiety start driving the conversation instead of logic. Unproductive Circular Arguments The discussion goes in endless loops, with people restating the same points over and over, hoping repetition will somehow change minds. Resolution by Exhaustion Eventually, people get worn down. A “decision” gets made, but usually it’s just kicking the can down the road or going with whatever the highestranking person in the room wanted. Sound familiar Yeah, I thought so. We’ve all been there. Hell, I’ve been guilty of contributing to this toxic cycle more times than I’d like to admit. But there’s a better way. The Power of Stating the Obvious Here’s the wild thing In most of these situations, everyone in the room can sense that things have gone off the rails. We can feel the rising tension. We can see the crossed arms and furrowed brows. We can hear the edge creeping into people’s voices. But hardly anyone ever says it out loud. We’re all so caught up in our own perspectives and agendas that we forget to take a step back and acknowledge the collective experience happening in the room. That’s where the simple act of naming what’s happening comes in. It’s like hitting a giant “pause” button on the spiraling negativity. Some examples “Hey folks, I’m noticing that we seem to be talking in circles here. Can we take a step back” “I’m sensing a lot of frustration in the room right now. What’s going unsaid that we need to address” “It feels like we’ve shifted from problemsolving mode to defending our positions. How can we realign” When done well, these interventions can be transformative. They snap people out of their mental tunnels and create space for a reset. Why It Works The Psychology Behind Naming So why is this so effective There are a few key psychological principles at play Pattern Interruption Our brains love to get stuck in grooves. By explicitly naming what’s happening, you disrupt the negative pattern that’s developed. Shared Reality Acknowledging the collective experience creates a sense of “we’re all in this together” rather than adversarial positions. Emotional Regulation Putting words to the tension provides a bit of distance, helping to deescalate heightened emotions. Increased SelfAwareness It prompts everyone to take a mental step back and observe their own behavior more objectively. Psychological Safety By demonstrating it’s okay to address interpersonal dynamics directly, you create a safer space for honest dialogue. Refocusing on Shared Goals It reminds everyone that you’re theoretically all there to accomplish something together, not just to win individual battles. The Risks And How to Mitigate Them Now, I’ll be real with you – this technique isn’t without its risks. Used clumsily, it can backfire and make things even worse. Here are some potential pitfalls to watch out for Projecting Your Own Feelings Be careful not to assume everyone else is experiencing things the same way you are. Use “I” statements and ask open questions. Bad “We’re all getting really pissed off here.” Better “I’m noticing I’m feeling frustrated. How’s everyone else feeling” Singling People Out Calling attention to one person’s reaction can make them feel attacked or put on the spot. Bad “John, you look really angry right now.” Better “I’m sensing some strong emotions in the room. What’s going on for folks” Derailing Productive Conversation Sometimes things get a bit heated because people care deeply. Don’t interrupt flow state if real progress is actually happening. Overuse If you’re constantly metacommenting on the conversation, it can become distracting and annoying. Use this technique judiciously. Lack of FollowThrough Naming what’s happening is only valuable if it leads to constructive next steps. Be prepared to suggest a path forward. The key to avoiding these pitfalls A healthy dose of emotional intelligence and reading the room ironic, I know. Tactical Tips for Naming What’s Happening Alright, so you’re sold on the concept. But how do you actually put it into practice Here are some tactical tips I’ve learned often the hard way Keep it Short and Sweet You don’t need to launch into a lengthy analysis. A brief, neutral observation is often most effective. Use a Calm Tone Your delivery matters as much as your words. Keep your voice steady and nonconfrontational. Mind Your Body Language Uncross your arms, make open eye contact, lean in slightly. Physically embody the openness you’re trying to create. Ask, Don’t Tell Instead of declarative statements, try phrasing things as questions. “Are we still aligned on our goals here” invites reflection better than “We’ve lost sight of our goals.” Focus on Collective Experience Use “we” language to reinforce the idea that you’re all in this together. “It seems like we’re having trouble finding common ground” vs. “You all aren’t listening to each other.” Acknowledge Uncertainty It’s okay to admit you might be misreading things. “I might be off base here, but it feels like…” Offer a Way Forward Don’t just point out the problem – suggest a potential solution or next step. “Should we take a 5minute breather and then regroup” Know When to Escalate Sometimes you need to involve a higherup or neutral third party. If things are really off the rails, don’t be afraid to loop in additional help. A RealWorld Example Let me share a personal anecdote that illustrates the power of this approach A few years back, I was part of a critical meeting about our company’s expansion strategy. We had leaders from Product, Engineering, Sales, and Ops all in the room well, on the Zoom – hello, pandemic life. The stakes were high. We were debating whether to pursue an aggressive growth strategy or take a more conservative approach given market uncertainties. Tensions were running hot. About 45 minutes in, it was clear we were getting nowhere. The head of Sales was talking over everyone, Engineering was getting increasingly defensive, and our usually levelheaded CPO was visibly seething. That’s when our VP of People spoke up. In a calm voice, she said “Hey team, I’d like to pause for a moment. It feels like we’ve shifted from collaborative problemsolving to defending our individual territories. I’m wondering if we can take a step back and remind ourselves of our shared goals here” The effect was almost magical. You could see people physically relax a bit. There were a few sheepish looks exchanged. Our CEO, to his credit, jumped in to reframe the conversation around our core company mission. We didn’t magically solve everything in that meeting. But that small intervention completely shifted the tone. We were able to have a much more productive discussion and eventually reach a compromise everyone could live with. Beyond Meetings Applications in 11s and Team Dynamics While this technique is incredibly powerful for large, contentious meetings, don’t sleep on its usefulness in other contexts 11s Noticing and naming subtle shifts in your direct reports’ demeanor can open up crucial conversations. “I’ve noticed you seem less enthusiastic in our planning sessions lately. What’s going on” Team Retrospectives Normalizing the practice of naming dynamics can create a culture of openness and continuous improvement. “It feels like we’re all a bit hesitant to give direct feedback. How can we create more psychological safety” CrossFunctional Collaboration When working across teams, explicitly acknowledging different priorities and working styles can prevent a lot of friction. “I realize Engineering and Product often have different timelines in mind. Let’s talk about how we can better align.” Onboarding New Team Members Helping new folks understand unspoken team dynamics by naming them explicitly can speed up integration. “You might notice our standups tend to run long because we value deep discussion. Let me know if that’s not working for you.” Personal Growth Practicing this at work will likely spill over into your personal life too. Being able to name dynamics in relationships of all kinds is a valuable life skill. In Conclusion Your New Conversational Superpower Listen, I get it. In the moment, speaking up to name a difficult dynamic feels scary. There’s always the fear that you’ll make things worse or look foolish. But here’s the thing 9 times out of 10, everyone else in that room is feeling the same discomfort you are. By finding the courage to name it, you’re not being a troublemaker — you’re being a leader. It takes practice to get comfortable with this skill. Start small. Try it in lowerstakes situations first. Pay attention to how others react and refine your approach. Over time, you’ll develop an almost sixth sense for when an intervention is needed. You’ll become that person who can deftly guide conversations back on track when they’re derailing. The person who can cut through bullshit and get to the heart of issues. The person who isn’t afraid to say what everyone else is thinking. In other words A truly exceptional leader. So, next time you’re in a meeting that’s going off the rails, take a deep breath and ask yourself What’s really happening in this room right now And then Say it out loud. You might just be surprised at the impact those few words can have.